Deployment Tough On Marriages–More Spouse Support Needed
Michelle Koidin Jaffee: Deployments testing marriages
Editor’s note: Michelle Koidin Jaffee’s “Double Duty” column chronicles her experiences raising twin infants while her husband is deployed in Iraq.
NAPLES, Fla. — The warning came by e-mail.
“You may be clueless,” wrote a retired chief petty officer, “as to the hurricane you have now entered.”
Over the course of repeated deployments, he went on to say, his wife became a heavy drinker and his marriage, which produced two sons, fell apart. He was responding to my column about finding a silver lining to my husband’s deployment. He scoffed at my tone, implying that I did not take seriously the threat it posed to a marriage.
Certainly, marriages can unravel for a variety of reasons. And it sounded like this man’s wife was not very stable to begin with. Nevertheless, I took his words to heart.
It’s common knowledge that, in addition to deaths and lost limbs, cases of social ills such as post-traumatic stress disorder are left in war’s wake. And now, amid the nearly four-year-long war in Iraq and its repeated, year-plus deployments, there is fresh concern in the military community about divorce.
Defense Department statistics show divorces among Army personnel have risen about 25 percent since 2001, when deployments began ramping up after the 9-11 terrorist attacks, though the rate among other service members is essentially flat.
Nonetheless, retired Col. Michael Wagner fears the rates will only continue to climb. As director of the Medical Family Assistance Center at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, D.C., he works with returning soldiers. “Marriages are being torn apart by multiple deployments,” says Wagner, who also directs the nonprofit Military, Veterans and Family Assistance Foundation, which provides retreats for veterans and their spouses to help them reintegrate into marriage and community.
Read the rest here.
~ by Anthony on January 10, 2007.
Posted in Counseling, Marriage/Relationship Problems, Soldiers On Active Duty, Spouse Support Group, Stories
One more thing to add to my prayer list. Sending prayers and support from NC.
Thanks Norma!!!
Hello My name is Deborah and My husband has been in Iraq since Nov 2nd it is now April and I have had so many issues come up while he has been gone starting with unpacking our new house all the way to dealing with our 3 children and 1 preteen who has been testing me the last couple of months since she has turned 12 and started her period. I can tell you first hand that it is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with by myself. We have been married going on 15 years in Oct, Needless to say that I will be home when he comes back and have no plans to leave but, it is very very stressful that he has to be gone so long, and now with the 3 month extention on top of that it does not make things any easier. It has shown me that Single parents have it very hard. I am just lucky that I still receive his paycheck not like most single parents that have to work and support themselves and their children alone, That would be much harder. I have been fortunate enough to stay home and watch my kids grow up instead of letting other people do my job as a mother. So when you have been a military wife or husband for as long as I have , you truly know what a sacrafice it is for them to be away deffending our country because we are sacraficing and holding down the Fort in our own ways. With no ribbons, metals or rewards for all that we put up with and do back home.
Wow, Deborah!! Thanks for sharing that! Yours is an important perspective that we all need to be aware of.
I have a volunteered second time deployed son-in-law who is not sending enough money to help support his daughter even though he is receiving extra money for being deployed. How can I help her
Deborah,
I echo Anthony’s appreciation, and thank you as well for your service. As a National Guardsman, I know I speak for service members when I thank you for your equally sacrificial service.
Robbie,
Your situation sound difficult. Is your daughter still married to him? If not, then I would contact the a JAG (Judge Advocate General) officer attached to his station of duty. If it is an issue of him not paying the court-ordered child support, they will be able to help with the right documentation.
However, if you are trying to get an increase of child support because he is making extra money due to deployment, you will have to bring a suit against him in court. If this is the case, and the court has already established a set amount, I would not recommend spending money on this option. Salary earned due to deployment is somewhat unique in the legal system, and is not normally taken into account in adjusting child support.
I’m sorry that isn’t much help, but without knowing more about the situation, I can’t help too much.
I am a military wife and an active duty member in the Navy. This is the first time my husband has been deployed since our marriage and I just gave birth to my third child. Fortunately my husband was able to be their for the birth of our daughter (no thanks to our seperate commands). It’s hard. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. I feel like giving up but I have to remember that I have alot of people depending on me including this country, my husband and my children. I hope that’s enough to keep me going.
I find this article very interesting. Especially considering that my husband and I were recently discussing the effect that his deployment will have on our relationship. Here’s the crazy part: When he mentioned this during his SRP, that he was worried about the safety of his marriage during deployment the “advisor” told him: If the bitch is going to leave, the bitch is going to leave.” Isn’t our military system/hierarchy awesome??! anybody else see the connection between the rise of divorce and the Army’s regard for the union of marriage?
My husband has finally retired. He was wounded in Iraq in 2003 so we only had that one tour to Iraq. However he now has multiple issues including post traumatic stress. By the time he had gone to Iraq we had already experienced multiple deployments and the first Iraq War, Still It was a very difficutlt time.
To be honest I expected that he might have difficulties after coming home, but what I didnt expect was how I would react. I found that once he was home and safe and out of surgery, suddenly I was the one who was depressed. I just could not forget how many men from his unit we lost, seeing the funerals at the chapel (sometime twice a week for months), or witnessing a woman in our neighborhood be informed her husband had been killed.
I know I am lucky and I thank God everyday for the blessing of having my husband back, but I find that sometimes It takes very little to bring all that back. I cry alot when I am alone. I think it is because as the spouse I have to be the one who keeps it together. When my husband came back wounded there wasnt time to fall apart. I need to help him make his appointments, bath, get in and out of the car, on top of a million other mundane things he couldnt do for himself. I also needed to make sure my 6 year old daughter’s needs were being met. Then there were the responsibilities that were small but just too much at the time like mowing the yard to Army standard and delvering paperwork and dealing with his rear detachment because they kept harassing us about pulling duty, even though he was home bound and geting shrapnel removed from his back. Even today six years later, If he has had another sleepless night or he is having another painful day (related to his wounds) I have to fill in where he cant. I have to hold it together. I am glad we had already been married for a long time before Iraq, and that I was a bit older, because I dont think I could have withstood it as well had we been newly married, the Army had toughned me up by 2003.
My heart goes out to the spouses. This is a hard road and it doesnt end at the homecoming parade. I can understand why some marriages dont make it. By the way, we will be celebrating our 20th Anniversary this year. This will be the second year he isnt deployed or in the field or on duty on our Anniverary!!!
I know first hand how war affects the spouse and children. My husband has been home for six years now and unfortunately we are separating. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and is going to counseling, as well as I am, but…His anger can get out of control, he wants nothing to do with us, he sleeps all the time, and he has down right become controlling and cruel.
I tried for 6 years to stand by his side but now it is affecting all of us and we are being told we need to get out. Besides, he has verbally told me that he doesnt love me anymore and that I am beneith him.
Therefore, I am now in the position of having to move because he refuses to leave and I cannot afford our home on my own. I have been a stay at home mom for the past two years because I lost my job in the auto industry and just cant find work. I have no savings, no family to turn to, no job, and I expected to just leave the home for the protection of my son and myself.
Where is the government for someone in my position. I see forum after forum about this subject. The spouse is expected to start life over again with no help, no benefits, nothing. Especially since he is no longer in the Army. General Honorable discharge.
I am fearing homelessness, no health insurance, will lose my car, and then what? Somebody tell me because I cant find the help, unless of course I take my 15 year old son and myself to an abuse shelter. What a joke; I’ve been told to go to welfare. Are you kidding me. After losing everything, and especially my husband, I am offered no solution other than to live in poverty until I can find and non existant job.
I apologize, I am obviously very upset about all of this and just needed to voice my opionion. Thanks for listening.
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